Tobi vs Madara
by iflip4dolphins
Summary: The leader of the Akatsuki, Madara Uchiha, is arguing with someone called Tobi? This promises to be interesting. #11: The author visits the characters, and Madara is thoroughly confused.
1. Torture

**Disclaimer:** If I owned this, would I be putting a disclaimer on it?

**A/N:** This is a gift for my friend whose birthday was yesterday. She asked for a Tobi oneshot. Happy birthday, Gracie!

* * *

The Akatsuki. Evil. Devils in flesh. Most people believed Pain to be the leader. This, however, was not the case. In reality, the leader was none other than Madara Uchiha, mass murderer, collector of the Bijuu, and all around bad guy. He was fearsome, his power great. He made his foes tremble with his mighty powers.

And at the moment he was currently arguing with himself.

"Tobi a good boy!" he insisted, pouting.

"I am pure evil," he insisted seconds later, folding his arms across his chest.

"No, Tobi is a good boy," the man clapped his hands together and bounced up and down on his toes. With his orange mask on, he looked nothing more or less than ridiculous.

"No. I killed thousands. I nearly destroyed Konoha with the Nine-Tailed Beast. I am not a 'good boy'," he seemed irritated, as if trying and failing to explain something to a hyper five year old.

"That was Madara," the orange masked member of the Akatsuki argued. "Not Tobi."

"You are Madara."

"Tobi is not!"

"Yes, you are."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

Madara sighed. "We are one, Tobi. We are one and the same."

"No, we aren't. So there!" Tobi stuck out his tongue.

"If you won't listen to reason..."

"Ah! Madara's going to kill me!" The hyper, excitable, acted-like-he-was-five-over-half-of-the-time Tobi raced around in circles, hands waving wildly in the air.

"I am not going to kill you, idiot," Madara stopped him coldly.

"Tobi's not an idiot! Tobi a good boy!"

"Here we go again..." Madara rolled his one eye under his mask. "Back to square one."

"Squares?" Tobi perked up. "Can I have an orange square?"

Madara groaned. "No."

Tobi glared. "Go away."

"What?" This was startling to Madara, it being completely random and out of the blue.

"You're evil. Go away!"

"I can't," Madara pointed out, not unreasonably, he thought. "I'm a part of you."

"Liar," Tobi retorted. "Go away."

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

Tobi fell to his knees, squeezing his hands over his ears. "Go away! Away, away, away!"

A few moments passed. Tobi lifted one hand up off his ear carefully. Hearing nothing, the orange-masked Akatsuki member took both hands off his head. A few more minutes later, and he stood, a look of glee on his masked face. "He's gone!"

Tobi began to skip around the room. "He's gone, he's gone, he's gone! Yay! No more evil to bother Tobi! Tobi a good boy!"

Everyone, especially members of the Akatsuki, had different sides to their personalities. Tobi's case was just a little more extreme than the others.

"Sempai? Can I have a lollipop?"


	2. Nuts

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto. I'm just goofing off for a while.

**A/N:** I got a lot of positive reviews on this and had an idea which my friend convinced me to type up, so the madness continues!

* * *

Madara, the leader of the Akatsuki. Tobi, the annoying hyper-active counterpart of Madara. The two exist in one body, one mind, personalities differentiated.

And they were, yet again, arguing with each other.

"Candy!" Tobi shouted, racing around the empty room. Luckily, everyone else had left, so it was only him in the hideout.

"Shut up," Madara stopped him. "It's incredibly annoying."

Darn. Why did Madara always have to ruin his fun? "You suck," Tobi pouted.

"And you're annoying," Madara rolled his eyes.

"No I'm not! Tobi a good boy!" Tobi protested.

Madara struggled to come up with an insult, until finally he snapped, mask in hand, "Your mask is a ridiculous shade of orange."

Tobi grinned and put the mask back on his face. "It's pretty!" The hyper member of the Akatsuki then proceeded to race around the room, running into Konan's bookshelf at full speed. He fell to the ground. "Ow…" he complained, rubbing his head.

Madara stood up. "You're nuts," he said coldly.

"I'm not nuts!" Tobi argued, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh, really?" Madara raised one eyebrow under the mask that was the exact same shade as a orange popsicle.

"Nope!" Tobi shook his head and clapped his hands together. "I'm pistachio!"

Madara groaned and hit his head against the palm of his hand. "A pistachio IS a nut, Tobi."

"Lies!" Tobi glared at the wall accusingly.

"You're a moron."

"You're evil!"

Madara seemed pleased. "Yes, I am."

Tobi blinked twice, decided that Madara was the weirdest person he'd ever met, and started to run around the couch. "Tobi a good boy!"

"If I'm evil, so are you," Madara narrowed his eyes.

"Nope," Tobi seemed unconcerned by Madara's accusations and resumed his racing around the couch.

Madara sighed. He was not going to get dragged into this conversation again. "Whatever."

"The couch is black with red clouds," Tobi commented.

Madara rolled his eyes. "Yes, Tobi. It is."

There was no response to this. The hideout was silent once again, as it had been when the other members had left. Until…

"Wheee!"

_Crash!_

A pause.

"_You_ can explain to Konan why her vase is broken."


	3. Lunch

**Disclaimer:** I tried to think of a creative disclaimer, but I failed.

**A/N:** If anyone has any ideas for an arguing thing, please tell me, because I'm running out.

* * *

The kitchen for in the Akatsuki hideout was spotless.

Tobi entered, humming cheerfully the most annoying tune in the universe. It wasn't so much of a tune as it was about three notes repeated over... and over.... and over.

The kitchen did not stand a chance.

Tobi went straight for the refridgerator and pulled out the jelly (shattering a glass of Hidan's treasured sake as he did so) and slid it on the counter. Moving over to the pantry, he yanked out a loaf of bread (dumping flour on the floor and all over himself), the peanut butter (spilling Kisame's cereal), and a ripe banana (sqooshing an onion underneath his feet and releasing a vile smell) and put them all on the counter. The flour covered, cereal sprinkled, sake soaked, eye watering Tobi bounced over to the counter and rubbed his eyes. The result of this was to get flour in his eyes, and he spent the next five minutes screaming while an irritated Madara cleaned the eyes out with water.

"Sandwich!" the recovered Tobi sang, taking out two slices of bread (knocking the rest of the bread to the floor) and unscrewing the caps from the jars.

"No."

Tobi ignored Madara and opened a drawer, picked up a knife, and stuck it in the peanut butter.

"We are not going to have a sandwich," Madara repeated firmly.

"You don't have to have one," Tobi stuck out his tongue.

"If you have one, I have one too," Madara narrowed his eyes.

"Madara?"

"What."

"Why do you copy everything I do?"

Madara rolled his eyes. Not deigning to reply to his irritating other self, the Uchiha glanced around the kitched and groaned. "Konan's going to have a fit."

"Really?" Tobi looked around, flour powdering his orange mask a light orange. "Oops."

"You're an idiot," Madara proclaimed, moving to put away the sandwich materials.

"Tobi's hungry!" Tobi protested.

"Too bad," was Madara response.

Tobi frowned and grabbed the knife again. He spread the peanut butter on the bead, then moved on to the jelly. "Tobi wants a peanut butter jelly and banana sanwich," he glared at the fridge, daring Madara to say something. Madara took him up on the dare.

"I hate those things."

"Tobi's eating it. Not Madara," the orange masked member reminded Madara. Madara was stupid, thinking that Tobi's eating habits affected him.

Madara sighed. "You are me."

Tobi considered this for a moment, saw the window, and promptly forgot all about it as he raced across the kitchen floor, skidding on the mess with his sandwich in hand, over to the window. "It's raining!" Tobi screeched.

"It's always raining," Madara pointed out, exasperated.

"It is?"

"I repeat, you're an idiot."

"Tobi is not! You're just jealous."

"Of what?" Madara wanted to know.

"Tobi's amazing peanut butter jelly and banana sandwich making... um... powers!"

Madara snorted. "Right."

Tobi stuck out his tongue.

In response, Madara picked up the banana peel and tossed it out the window.

This resulted in a high pitched agonized shriek from Tobi and much scrambling over to the window to rescue the banana peel.

Madara chuckled in his throat at the sight of a poor villager slipping on the peel and dropping all their groceries.

"You're mean," Tobi pouted.

"Yes," was Madara's reply.

Tobi sniffled, frowned at the sandwich in his hand, shrugged, and shoved the entire thing into his mouth.

Madara grabbed it and threw it out the window too.

"My sandwich!" Tobi cried.

Madara rolled his eyes. "You'll live."

"Tobi won't!"

"Shut up."

Tobi considered this for a minute, raced to the door, and fell into the flour.

"I swear, Tobi, if you weren't a part of me, you'd be dead."


	4. Mono

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Naruto. I'm just torturing the characters for a while.

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to my friend, who apparently doesn't have mono.

* * *

Death reeked in the Akatsuki hideout that day.

"Leader-sama?"

Or maybe not.

Pein glanced down at Tobi. "What is it?"

"Is Hidan-sama dead?"

The leader of the Akatsuki sighed inwardly. He would obviously get no reprieve from this question, even if he answered it. Tobi was known for being incredibly persistant. He needed to hoist it off on someone else. Konan was a definete no. She would murder him; he'd broken her vase and ruined her kitchen. Nobody else could stand him either. Unless...

"Leader-sama?"

"Itachi," Pein glanced towards where he knew the Uchiha would be.

"Leader."

Itachi melted out from the shadows and stood there. Tobi, distracted by the arrival, turned towards him. Pein took this opportunity to escape, walking out the door, then running as if death were on his heels. Or at the very least, the tendrils of madness. Itachi blinked, then glared down the hall where Pein had made his escape.

"I cannot believe you're asking this question," Madara muttered as Tobi tugged on Itachi's cloak insistently. "I've already told you the answer."

"Tobi doesn't believe you," the orange-masked member retorted loftily.

"Tobi, stop it," Itachi brushed off Tobi's hand from his robe. He had heard the first comment, but had wisely chosen to ignore it.

"Tobi wants to know something."

"Of course," Itachi muttered under his breath. "All right, what is it?"

"This is ridiculous," Madara grimaced. Tobi stuck out his tongue.

"Is Hidan-sama dead?"

Itachi glared at the wall accusingly.

"Itachi-sama!"

"No," Itachi informed Tobi curtly.

"See?" Madara raised his eyebrows. "I did tell you."

"Then why is Hidan-sama in a stinky room?"

"'Stinky room'?" Madara wanted to know.

_'What did I do to deserve this?'_ Itachi wondered. Out loud, he replied, "He's sick."

Tobi frowned. "Is that why his room is stinky?"

Madara rolled his eyes. Itachi simply nodded.

"Oh. Why did Hidan-sama get sick?"

Madara groaned. "You can't choose to be sick."

"That's a lie," Tobi crossed his arms over his chest.

Itachi had long since left the room, seeking the sanctuary of his room.

"Whatever," was Madara's response.

Tobi, however, would not be deterred by Madara's indifference. "What does Hidan-sama have?"

"It's not a sweater or a scarf, Tobi. It's a disease," Madara informed Tobi, irritated.

"So?"

"Mono."

Tobi's response to this was a blank stare. Madara sighed. "Hidan has mono."

"Um..." Tobi was completely confused. "What's that? It sounds like monopoly. Hidan-sama got a board game?"

Madara hit his head against the wall in reply, earning a "Ow!" from Tobi. "No, Hidan has mono. The kissing disease?"

"Someone kissed Hidan-sama?"

"You are such an idiot."

"Tobi's not an idiot! Tobi a good boy!"

Madara sighed. "You don't have to kiss someone to get mono."

Tobi thought about this for a second. He finally replied, "So he kissed an animal?"

Madara heaved a long, exasperated sigh and slumped against the wall.


	5. Beep

**Disclaimer: **I love torturing these characters. Unfortunetly, I don't own them.

**A/N:** Ok, this didn't turn out quite the way I wanted, but it should be enjoyable nonetheless.

* * *

Konan turned the page in her book and silently praised whatever god might be watching over them that Tobi wasn't around. This revelation was broken a second later by the arrival of Zetsu, who decided to come up out of the ground right behind Konan's chair.

"Konan-sama?" the ninja's white half asked.

"What is it?" Konan asked absentmindedly, flipping the page.

"Tobi ruined my garden. **We should eat him.** No, we can't eat Tobi. **Why not?** Because he doesn't mean it."

Konan sighed. So much for a Tobi-free day. How on earth did he manage to get into trouble when he wasn't even here?

"Zetsu-sama!"

So much for that theory.

"Tobi. **If we can't eat him, we should kill him and bury the remains in the garden,**" Zetsu acknowledged his partner's presence. Tobi looked from Konan to Zetsu and back again. "Sorry?" he offered.

"Room," Konan told him.

"Huh?"

"Go to your room, Tobi. Now."

"But, but I don't wanna --"

Konan stood from her chair and glared at Tobi, who shrank back. "Room. NOW."

Cue Tobi racing for his very life into a wall. He stumbled backwards and tottered into his room, regained his balance, and slammed the door. Konan sighed, sat down, and opened her book again.

Tobi crossed his arms tightly and stuck out his tongue at the closed door, earning him an eye-roll from Madara. Tobi uncrossed his arms, glared at the door, and began to shout, "Konan-sama's a beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep --"

"Any paticular reason you're calling Konan a 'beep'?" Madara interrupted.

"Because Tobi's not allowed to say naughty words."

Madara shook his head and sighed.

"-- beep, beep, beep, beep, beep --"

"Tobi, knock it off."

"-- beep, beep, beep, beep, beep --"

"Would you shut up?"

"No! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep --"

"Tobi! You sound like a broken alarm clock! Shut the hell up!"

Tobi gasped and pointed at the wall. At the top of his lungs he hollered, "MADARA SAID A NAUGHTY WORD!"

"I don't care!" was Konan's faint reply.

Tobi blinked, lowed his arm, then narrowed his eyes. "You're going to get in trouble."

"Tobi, nobody but you cares if someone curses," Madara informed his irritating other self.

"What's that mean?" Tobi wanted to know.

Madara did not bother to reply.

This led to Tobi shrieking at the top of his lungs, "Madara's a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

Madara sighed. "For the last time, you are me."

"Lies."

"Whatever."

Tobi blinked. 'Konan-sama's a beeeeeep!"

"Tobi! Shut the --"

"Beep!"

"Up!"


	6. Emo Corner

_Disclaimer:_ I have an elaborate plan in the making to get my hands on the ownership of Naruto, but I still don't own.

_A/N:_ I really, really wanted to post up another Shikatema oneshot, but 's not working right and won't let me. So, I'll present you with another installment of insanity and Tobi instead. I'm not entirely pleased with this one, but hey. Kill me later, kay?

* * *

"Where is it!" Tobi wailed. The orange-masked member of the Akatsuki was ransacking the hideout (Madara cringed at what Konan would say hen she got back from her mission with Leader), looking for who knew what.

"Where is what?" Madara finally asked, irritated, after getting hit in the forehead with a flying piece of pottery. Tobi blinked.

"I thought Madara-sama was smart." Tobi scratched his head.

Madara let the arm fall. "I am smart," he informed Tobi coldly, "but I don't know what you don't tell me."

"Liar."

"Excuse me?"

"If Madara-sama were smart, Madara would know what Tobi was looking for without asking." Tobi nodded as if this settled the entire matter and began to jump up and down on the couch. Madara stopped him.

"I'm not psychic, Tobi," the Uchiha hissed.

"What's that?"

Without deigning to reply, Madara stepped off the couch and folded his arms across his chest. "Now, what are you looking for?"

"TOBI'S EMO CORNER IS GONE!" the hyperactive member bawled. Totally unprepared for this, Madara shut his mouth tight and glared accusingly at the coffee table for no reason other than it was hard to glare at oneself and the poor piece of furnature was right there.

"Emo...corner?" he finally asked.

"Uh-huh," Tobi sniffed. Madara rolled his eyes. Tobi's eyes widened and he glared at the coffee table (it really wasn't the best day for the oak furnature) and pointed accusingly at the wall. "It was you!"

"What was me?" Madara sighed.

"You stole Tobi's emo corner!"

"Tobi, you don't have an emo corner."

"Yes, I do!" Tobi protested. Tears formed in the childish man's eyes. Madara reached under his mask and impatiently wiped them away.

"No, you don't," he stated with as much patience as he could muster, which was not much, seeing as how his counterpart was a moron, the base was wrecked thanks to Tobi's 'searching', and he really wasn't looking forward to Konan's reaction. "You have something stupid, like a sunshine corner, or orange-lollipops-rock corner."

"I had a dango corner once," Tobi brightened up, "but then I changed it to a pocky corner. Hey, Madara-sama, do you like pocky?"

"No," was the curt reply.

"Why?"

"I make it a point to hate anything you like."

Tobi considered this information for a moment, decided that Madara was a moron, and began to run around the base, ignoring Madara's scowls.

"TOBI!" The thundering roar could only belong to one person. Tobi and Madara gulped simutaniously. "What did you DO?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't kill me, Konan-sama!" Tobi panicked and ran straight into a wall. Moaning in pain, the Akatsuki member stumbled backwards, clucthing his forhead. Madara hissed angrily.

"In a moment, she won't have to."

"Ahhhhhhh!"


	7. Counseling

_Disclaimer_: Am I rich? No. Sorry.

_A/N_: I have no excuse. I know, it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I updated, but hey. You knew updates were going to be sporadic. Anyway, I hope that this oneshot placidates you and causes you to not murder me with blunt spoons.

* * *

"So. Tobi-san. How are you feeling today?"

"Tobi has a pony stuffie! It's pruple. See?"

"I...see. We'd better move on. Do you know why you're here?"

"Because Hidan's a meany-poo."

"Well, according to Hidan-san, you have a tendancy to talk to yourself and ignore the world around you." _To put it mildly..._

"Huh?"

"**She means you talk to me.**"

"Oh! Tobi understands now! See, Madara-sama's mean and always says he's gonna kill me, except he can't really kill me because he says then he'll die and -- hey! Bunny!"

"Um... That's very nice Tobi, but that's a toy for the mentally retarded." S_o I suppose you can play with it._ "Why don't you go back to the big red couch and we can continue our conversation. Who exactly is Madara?"

"He's mean."

"Yes, we've established that already."

"He throws peanut butter and banana sandwiches out of windows!"

"..."

"And he called me a pistachio!"

"**You called yourself a pistachio, Tobi.**"

"He's gonna kill me!"

"Okay. Madara, was it?"

"**Yes.**"

"Why are you going to kill Tobi?"

"**I'm not.**"

"Yes, he is!"

"**Shut up, Tobi.**"

"Counselor lady! Help me!"

"...You can go back to your side of the couch now, Tobi."

"But I'm comfy! You stole the nice side of the couch!"

"**Counselor's privilege, Tobi**."

"Tobi, both sides of the couch are the same. Now would you please get off me and tell me why Madara would like to kill you."

"**He is an irritating little brat**."

"Says you!"

**"Says everyone**."

"Counselor lady, he's being mean again!"

"Will you PLEASE go back to your side of the couch!"

"...Counselor lady is scary. Is she related to Madara-sama?"

"Madara does not exist! He is a figment of your imagination!"

"**I resent that remark. Tobi, we're leaving.**"

"Yes sir!"

"Wait, you can't just --"

"...Madara-sama?"

"**What?**"

"Why isn't mean counselor lady lying on the floor like that?"

"**She's...tired.**"

"That doesn't look like a comfy way to take a nap..."

"**Shut up.**"

"Where're we going?"

"**To dye all of Hidan's bath towels pink. He needs to be taught a lesson.**"

"Yay!"


	8. Rubber Duckies

_Disclaimer:_ _Ha! As if._

_A/N: An update? Really? Astounding! I tried out a new style this time. Enjoy! And if you don't, well, I can't help you._

* * *

Tobi.

Madara.

Two very different personalities living in the same body.

Madara is evil. A notorious mass murderer, he would like nothing better than to kill Tobi. Unfortunatly, that would involve suicide, and Madara really can't afford that. He's very busy, after all, what with destroying the world, and there's really nobody else to impliment his ingenius plans.

Tobi, on the other hand, is loud, obnoxious, and just wants Madara to leave him alone and stop copying everything he does. He'd also like a pony.

Konan is pissed and would love to throttle Tobi so that she can make out with Pein.

But this story isn't about her, so let's ignore that sentence.

Currently, in the Akatsuki hideout, Tobi is running around, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every so often he stops, talks to himself, then continues running and screaming as if nothing has happened.

Madara is obviously furious. His voice is cold when he speaks.

Really cold.

Cold like... ice cubes.

Like ice cubes in the middle of winter being poured down your back when you're locked out of your house and have no coat on.

Yep.

Konan is thoroughly irritated and really, really wants Pein to come back so that she can possibly ignore Tobi and Madara and her time of month cramps.

But, again, this story isn't about Konan, so disregard that bit.

Apparently, Tobi and Madara are arguing about rubber duckies.

The reason why is unavailable at this time.

Something about bathtubs.

And stalkers.

Tobi is accusing Madara of stalking him when he takes baths.

Madara declares that they're the same person, for the last time, and that he has to take baths with Tobi whether they like it or not.

Apparently, Tobi does not believe him. He starts wailing about Mr. Googoo, his ducky, and demands that Madara give it back.

Startled by this change of subject, Madara is silent.

Tobi promptly runs into a wall and falls down. He begins to sob.

Madara slaps him coldly, tells him to snap out of it, then stands up.

Tobi cries.

Konan, Queen of the Akatsuki and now furious, storms in, grabs Tobi by his cloak, throws him in his room and slams the door as she stalks off.

Tobi cries again.

Madara trells him to shut up.

Tobi does.

Madara sighs.

Tobi falls off the bed and starts to squeeze Mr. Googoo, who was hiding under the bed.

Madara groans and hits his head against the floor.

The story ends with Tobi asking why Madara inflicts painful pain on himself so often.


	9. Drunk

_Disclaimer: Me + Don't Own = Naruto. _

* * *

"Tobi, you're drunk."

"'m not Tobi," Tobi argued. "I'm Madara Uchi - Utach - Itchyha."

Sasori stared at the srunk Uchiha, disbelief plastered on his face. Of course _he_ would be the one elected to keep Tobi from wrecking anything while in his current drunk status. Clearly it made _perfect_ sense to take the one Akatsuki who couldn't even drink anything, let alone get drunk, to take care of the intoxicated, split personality disordered Uchiha. "Fine," he eventually said, remembered something Deidara had said in one of his tolerable moments about how people got weird when they got drunk and that he should just go with it. Of couse, the fact that Deidara himself had been drunk at the time wasn't exactly reassuring. "But you're still drunk."

"Am not!" Madara argued before trying to step backwards and forwards at the same time, resulting in a thump and Madara staring at the ceiling, laying flat on his back. "The floor tripped me," he grumbled.

"Why did you think it was a good idea to steal Hidan's sake supply and drink it all yourself?"

The man sat up and frowned beneath his mask. "Dunno." He looked up at Sasori. "Did you know Pein-sama and Konan-sama make gloves?"

Sasori blinked and attempted to decipher the meaning of the phrase before Madara/Tobi stood and nodded importantly. "Deidara-sempai told me."

Oh. Now he got it.

If he could turn red, Sasori's face would currently mimic that of a tomato. As it was, he felt incredibly embarrassed, knowing that both Pein and Konan were in the next room over. Wondering how he could get revenge for this one, Sasori replied coolly, "I think you mean 'love', Madara."

"Huh? I'm Tobi." Tobi spun around in a circle - or rather, he attempted to, but ended up sprawled on the floor again. "You're really tall, Sasori-sempai," he remarked, staring up at Sasori.

Sasori found he wasn't quite sure what to say to that, so he settled on changing the subject entirely. "You're going to have a wicked hangover in the morning."

"Ahangover?" Tobi slurred. Sasori nodded. Tobi considered this statement for a moment before saying, "Like a sleepover?"

"No," was Sasori's short and curt reply. "A hangover is a terrible headache that drunk people get in the morning."

"Oh." Tobi fell silent, then glared at a spot slightly to the right of Sasori. "But I swear. I swear -" he raised his right hand - "to - to drunk - that's not the right word..."

Madara glared at his raised hand. "Useless Tobi," he muttered loudly. "I swear," he repeated, "I swear to drunk I am not God."

As if the word itself had summoned him, Pein poked his head into the room. "Yes?"

"Not you," Konan and Sasori choroused, as Konan appeared from behind her lover and yanked him back from the doorframe, out of sight.

"And yes, you are," Sasori added to Madara, who had begun arguing with the lamp. Not Tobi, the lamp. His statement roused the Uchiha from his unintelligible arguement and he attempted to whirl on the puppet master in shock. He failed utterly, and ended up sitting on the couch.

"How'd I get over here?" he wanted to know before deciding that it wasn't important and turned his attention on his babysitter. "But - but I swore to God!" he said, shocked.

Again, Pein showed up at the door, and again, Konan yanked him away.

"You swore to drunk, actually," Sasori said in his driest possible tone.

"Yeah, him too."

Sasori contemplated suicide as Tobi/Madara/whoever he was began to babble about nonsense.

And thus alcohol was never, ever, _ever _allowed in the Akatsuki hideout. _Ever again._

* * *

_A/N: I was bored and I wanted to write drunk Tobi/Madara. I hope I did an almost decent job. Or, failing in that, I hope I made you laugh. Or at least mildly amused._


	10. Mistletoe

_Disclaimer: I asked for the rights to Naruto for Christmas. We'll see how that turns out._

* * *

Christmas was the most dreaded holiday in the Akatsuki hideout. For one thing, Hidan inevitably went on a religious rant every. Single. Year. It was supremely annoying, and there was generally a lot more sacrifices than usual involved. For another, Tobi insisted on starting the celebrations about five months early.

Thus, when Christmas actually poked its head around the corner, everyone was heartily wishing it would just go away so that they could return to their plans of world domination. Especially Madara.

Unfortunately, Christmas (along with Easter and Valentines Day) was one holiday that Tobi refused to give up.

Which _still _didn't explain why the mass muderer/hyperactive lollipop lover was standing in a doorway waiting for someone to kiss him.

"Tobi. Nobody wants to kiss you," Madara growled.

"But – but Tobi's standing under mistletoe!" Tobi protested. "That means someone has to kiss me!"

"No, Tobi. It really doesn't." Madara wanted to walk away from the doorway. Unfortunately, he'd already tried that. About seventeen times in the past ten minutes alone. So far, Tobi had just regained control and skipped back. "Why do you want a kiss so badly anyways?"

Tobi considered Madara's question – the only sensible one he'd asked so far. "Why not?" he finally replied, childishly tilting his head to the side.

Ignoring Tobi's immediate protests, Madara slid the mask off and ran a hand though his hair exasperatedly. "Because I don't want one," he growled.

"Madara-sama doesn't have to – wait."

Madara groaned. The orange mask was still held loosely in his hands. He didn't want to know.

Tobi bounced on his toes and clapped his hands together, letting the mask fall to the floor. "Tobi has a wonderful idea!"

No, he really didn't want to know, Madara decided.

"See, Madara's standing under the mistletoe too, since he always follows Tobi around," Tobi started, before Madara cut him off.

"No, Tobi."

"But –"

"I refuse to kiss you."

Tobi pushed his lower lip out as far as it could go and tried really, really hard to make his eyes look like Bambi eyes. "But… Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar and ice cream and cherries on top?"

Madara blinked crossly and bent down to pick up the mask. "No means no, Tobi. Besides, I can't kiss myself. Especially since I don't want to."

"But you'd be kissing me," Tobi said, puzzled, staring at the mask he now held in confusion. When had he picked that up? "Not Madara-sama."

Madara contemplated committing suicide momentarily. After a few seconds of this, he regretfully decided against it. No one else was capable of looking after the other idiots here, after all. Pein was far too preoccupied with Konan to be of any use whatsoever. Besides, he wasn't a quitter.

Lost in thought, the multiple-personality disordered man didn't notice when Hidan, dripping with blood from a recent sacrifice, stomped down the hallway. "What the –" the silver haired maniac wanted to know as he stared at Madara/Tobi. "What's with the mistletoe?"

"Oh! Hidan-sama!" Tobi grinned happily up at him. "Madara-sama won't kiss Tobi."

"I don't care."

"So will Hidan-sama do it?" Tobi continued, happily oblivious at Madara's look of horror.

"No," was Madara's immediate response.

"Huh." Hidan stared at him. Madara stared back. Tobi grinned hopefully before Madara schooled his expression back into one of complete and total indifference mingled with infinite hatred.

And then, without warning, Hidan grabbed Madara by the collar of his cloak, yanked him forward, and gave him a very thorough kiss. When he finally let go, it was only severe self-control that kept Madara's face impassive.

"Enjoy your stupid holiday, heathens," Hidan drawled as he sauntered off.

Silence.

Then: "Aw, Madara-sama got a kiss. Lucky!"

More silence.

"Um, Madara-sama?" Tobi persisted, hugging the mask to his chest.

"…What."

"What did Hidan-sama taste like?"

Madara's answering growl did not deter Tobi from asking cheerfully: "Why did Hidan-sama kiss Madara-sama?"

The resounding groan that followed that remark was, really, only to be expected.

* * *

_A/N: Merry Christmas! In half an hour. :) So. Um. Yeah. I have no idea where this came from. With any luck it amused you. Again, merry Christmas, and I might actually get a oneshot up for New Year's. We'll see. _


	11. Visit

_Disclaimer: The rights to Naruto are on my wish list for my birthday. I'll let you know how it goes._

* * *

It wasn't an uncommon occurrence to come across Madara glaring. What was unusual, however, was who he was glaring at.

The girl simply looked back at him.

"What?" she finally wanted to know.

"You," Madara hissed. "Who are you, why are you here, and where's Tobi?"

The girl's lips twitched as though she were trying to hold back a smile. "I thought you hated Tobi."

"I do."

She shrugged. "Then why are you complaining? I would've thought you'd be happy he's not bugging you."

Madara had no reply to that, so he simply glared at her some more. "I'm going to kill you," he informed her tartly after a long moment's silence. The girl shrugged from her seated position on the Akatsuki's couch.

Minutes passed.

"Why don't you sit down so we can talk?" the girl suggested, grinning.

Madara sat.

"Why did I sit?" he demanded to know.

"I asked you to."

"But…" Confusion was a state that Madara was used to, but this? This was something that had never happened before.

"Oh, it has," the girl said cheerfully in response to his thoughts. "Trust me. Stuff like this happens every day."

He blinked. "What."

"And not just to you," the girl continued. "This type of thing happens to all the characters in Naruto, and to all the characters from thousands of other fandoms."

He wanted to ask just what she was going on about, but the girl shushed him with a look. "To answer your questions, I'm a writer, I'm here to talk to you, and I'm not sure where Tobi is. I just made sure that he couldn't bother us."

"WHAT?"

"No need to get so huffy. Basically, I'm the person writing every disaster that happens with you and Tobi – and you're not going to remember this after I leave, so don't bother trying to hunt me down and kill me, especially as it wouldn't work anyways – and I thought it'd be nice to talk to you for a few minutes. So I'm doing what's pretty much considered an amusing writing taboo and writing myself in the story." She paused. "I ramble too much, don't I?"

For his part, Madara was still stuck at the 'person writing every disaster' part. He stared at the girl in front of him. This person, this, this whelp of a girl was responsible? By simply putting a pen to paper? It was unthinkable.

"Actually, it's more like fingers to keys, but you get the point."

Madara groaned and brought his hand to his face, only to discover that his mask was gone. "Where—"

"You look better without the mask," the girl said matter-of-factly. "Much more evil."

"Thank you?"

"You're welcome."

There was a slight pause.

"So," the girl said, getting right down to the point of why she'd decided to show up in the first place, "Your feelings on this collection of connected oneshots?"

He looked at her. "Am I supposed to know what that means?"

She rolled her eyes, exasperated. "The whole 'Tobi versus Madara' thing. What do you think of it?"

"I hate you."

"So very much?"

Madara nodded dumbly. How had she known he was going to say that?

"I told you, I'm a writer," she said. "I'm writing this right now. I know exactly what you're going to say and do."

He stared. "Please tell me this is a dream."

She considered this, tapping her fingers against each other. "Well… I could do that, I suppose… I was just going to erase your memory about this, but odd dreams work just as well."

"Get out the Akatsuki hideout."

"You're so dull." The girl rose from the couch, stretched and looked down at him. "No wonder people enjoy reading you and Tobi fight. He brings out the awesome and entertaining in you. None of this insane with power stuff – just good old humor."

"Humor." His response was deadpan.

"Mm. You're actually pretty entertaining, once you let go."

He could think of nothing else to say, other than, "Why are you doing this?"

She shrugged again. "Boredom, mostly, though this little project started out as a birthday present. It's fun. I enjoy it. And even if you don't, well, you should see what happens to you in canon. I'm pretty sure you're going to die. You're definitely insane, in a 'muahaha, I'm going to take over the world using an absolutely insane plan and probably going to die in the process' type way. Isn't this more fun than that?"

"Get out."

The girl sighed. "Broken record. Ah, well. I'll see you later, then, but I doubt you'll be seeing me."

She vanished.

Madara blinked. What had he been doing a few seconds ago?

"Tobi's a good boy!"

Facepalm. "No, Tobi. You aren't."

* * *

_A/N: Uh. Yeah. I have no idea where this came from. I know it's not really Tobi vs Madara-ish. So... Think of this as an experiment and let me know what you think?  
_


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